I. Spreading the Faith by Parables, Jokes and One Liners
II. The Parables of Jesus
III. Modern Day Parables, Jokes, and One Liners
IV. Submit Your Own

I. Spreading the Faith by Parables, Jokes and One Liners

Jesus said that if we had faith the size of a mustard seed, we could move mountains.  And what good is our faith if we hide it like a lamp under a basket. Furthermore, it is incumbent for us not only to practice our faith but also to proclaim it "Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel," said Saint Paul. And in this day and age when individuals are bombarded with all kinds of high powered messages and consumer advertisements, how do we go about spreading the Good News of Jesus Christ to our neighbor?

Jesus was a master speaker in spite of His lack of modern technology, you know, those fancy microphones that are part of today's liturgies and those expensive loud speakers about which the congregation still finds plenty of reasons to complain.  One of the reasons for Christ's success was His masterful use of parables. People will find it hard to remember an intellectual talk on the virtuous life, no matter whether the natural or even more so the supernatural. Even Jesus' Sermon on the Mount in which He proclaims the way to live is not as well remembered as the beautiful story of the Prodigal Son or the Lost Sheep. But ordinary people always remember a heart warming story, a funny joke, or a good one liner.  Maybe because of the rich use of imagery and the way that parables make us feel, 1.) we have an open mind, 2.) we tend to remember them longer, and 3.) we may even live out the message.  As they say, we must walk the talk not only on Sunday but also on the other days of the week. In fact, it is a lovely way to give advice without the listeners sensing that they are being preached to,  (thus avoiding their tuning you out before you have conveyed the well intentioned advice.)  Yes, Jesus was the "Parable Preacher."

In fact, parable telling  is an art form seldom appreciated for its richness today. The enormous internal and external difficulties that are encountered in communication reminds us of the story of a preachers first sermon. 

"How was my first sermon, Granny?" asked the young minister with much anticipation. He new that she would tell the truth and give him some immediate feedback.
"I saw only three things wrong with it," mused the frank old grandmother.
"Only three things wrong... Not bad for my first attempt." said the young preacher with a glow of excitement. He was mighty proud of his homily. "What were they?" he hurriedly asked.
"Well!" drawled the old lady, "First, you read it. Second, you didn't read it well! And third, it wasn't worth reading anyhow!"

By the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary, may we have better success than the young minister mentioned above in our mission to evangelize our family, friends, and  neighbors . First, let us recall the parables that our Lord evoked with such success and secondly, let us try to make anew fresh stories apropos to the church in the modern world. 

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III. Modern Day Parables, Jokes, and One Liners List:

Happy New Year & Forget About Eating Well!
The Golden Phone Of God
How We Wish There Were More People In Heaven!
Directions To Our Father's House
Vanity of Good Looks
Fire At An Ecumenical Meeting
The Pope's Driving
Cats, Mice, and Heaven
Gossip
The Day Finally Arrived: Forrest Gump Dies And Goes To Heaven.
The Road To Heaven On Earth
Thank God For Those Church Ladies With Typewriters And Those Men On Their Computers.
Children Always Say The Truth
Prayer Intentions
Theory of Evolution
Heavenly Voice Mail?
Conversation between God & St. Francis
Noah's Arch 
Got Two Bucks
A Lesson On Being Mean
Divorce At Thanks Giving Time
Puppy Heaven
Safest Place On Earth
Judgment Via Email
Heaven's Grocery Store
Learn To Write In The Sand
A Walking Sermon
An Interesting Way To Look At Life...
Explaining the Other Side
Grave-Side Sermon
A Talk In The Garden Of Eden
Don't Judge Others
Life's Choices
God and Geese
Creation Story
Honesty
God is like...
New Catholic Dictionary
Prayer in Public Schools
Prayer
Did You Know
Don't Work Like the Devil
The Seed
The 7-Ups
Did God Create Evil?
The Secret to a Good Sermon
The Holy Sneeze
How do you expect to get into Heaven?
New Church Ways
Pilot in Heaven 
Catholic Heart Attack
Out of the Mouth of Babes
Joys of the Cloth
Las Vegas Churches
Bible
Funnies in Church
Pearly Gates 
God is like... 
Funny Church Signs
Sunday School Cuties..... 
Look for God in Others
Even God enjoys a good laugh  
New version of Footprints  
Preparing for death 
The Faith of a Little Child 
Hymn #365 
God's Boxes 
Practice What We Preach 
Dinner and a Movie 
You asked for a Sign
Pecans in the Cemetery
Jesus Checking In
I Can't Pray
The Stranger
God Said No
Mary's Golfing Foursome
Ship Wreck
It's Strange, isn't it?
Catholic Squirrels
Catholic Gasoline
Hut On Fire
Cell Phone Vs. Bible
Never Enough Time
Who God Uses
One Liners
The Seamstress
3 Trees
The Sacred Sound
Jesus Heals All
Cherokee Wisdom
The Wood Pecker May Have To Go!

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Happy New Year Forget About Eating Well!

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. 
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. 
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. 
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. 
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." 
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 
Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven." 
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. 
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day." 
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." 
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. 
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" 
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" 
"Not unless you want to," was the answer. 
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

Return To Parable List
 
The Golden Phone Of God

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the Country.
He started by flying to New York City and working west from there.
Going to a very large church, he started making photographs and taking notes.
He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read "$10,000.00 a minute". Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. 
The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the posted price, he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked him and continued along his way. 
As he visited churches in Boston, Detroit, Chicago, Oklahoma City, New Orleans, Denver, Los Angeles, Seattle, Anchorage, and around the United States, he discovered more golden phones with the same 
sign and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in the lovely Honolulu Hawaii with it beautiful beaches, tropical sunset, green Koolau Mountains. Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone.
But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 Cents".
Fascinated, the man asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told that it is a direct line to Heaven and that you could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" 

{ I just love this part }

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, " Son, you're in the Hawaii now and its a local call. 

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Heaven

When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven,
God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
I could eat," she replied.
So, God opened a can of tuna, unwrapped a loaf of rye bread, and they began to share it. While eating the humble tuna sandwich, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasant and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day, God invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey and apple pie. Still, she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in
heaven, all I get is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the other place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it."

Long Paauussseee

God sighed: "Let's be honest, Teresa. For two people, it just doesn't pay to cook."

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Directions To Our Father's House

I really like this one.
Someone spent a lot of time on this... 
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
Make a Right onto Believeth Blvd.
Keep straight and go through the Green Light, which is Jesus Christ.
There, you must turn onto the Bridge of Faith, which is over troubled water.
When you get off the bridge, make a Right turn and Keep Straight.
You are on the King's Highway - Heaven-bound.
Keep going for three miles: One for the Father, One for the Son, and One for the Holy Ghost.
Then exit off onto Grace Blvd.
From there, make a Right turn on Gospel Lane.
Keep Straight and then make another Right on Prayer Road.
As you go on your way, Yield Not to the traffic on Temptation Ave.
Also, avoid SIN STREET because it is a DEAD END.
Pass up Envy Drive, and Hate Avenue.
Also, pass Hypocrisy Street, Gossiping Lane, and Backbiting Blvd.
However, you have to go down Long-suffering Lane, Persecution Blvd. and Trials and Tribulations Ave.
But that's all right, because VICTORY Street is straight ahead!
AMEN!
SEND THESE DIRECTIONS TO YOUR FRIENDS SO THEY WILL NOT GET LOST.

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Vanity

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. 
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


(SCROLL DOWN .... You'll love this!!!)

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

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On Fire!

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"
The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage. The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass. 
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

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The Pope's Driving

After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would you please take your Seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 
"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop. "All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop. "What'd ya got there, the Mayor?" "Bigger."
"Governor?." "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" "I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?" "He's got the Pope driving for him!"

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The Cat, The Mice, And Heaven

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

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Gossip

Sarah, the church gossip, busy-body and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house... and left it there all night.

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The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed.
Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.
"Forrest responds, 'It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter 'TT'  Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that  and guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd,
February, 2nd, March 2nd. . .."
"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind..... but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "
Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?" , I exclaimed." An exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up
with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
 "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song...
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run... "

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The Road to Heaven On Earth

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist
complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
 "Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Mexican fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs ...I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.
 With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.
You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City!
From there you can direct your huge enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends!"

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Thank God for those church ladies with typewriters an those men on computers.

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.  Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor lack's sermons.
13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
 15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
21. The church will host an-evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.
22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
 26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
31. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

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Children Always Say the Truth

1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without hesitating one little boy (the oldest in his family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor."' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
6) A teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the matter clear, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

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Prayer Intentions

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! 1 can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

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Evolution?

To those of you that are not aware, Evolution is a controversial subject in the Kansas School System. This has to be the best answer I have seen! One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to
explain evolution to the children. 
TEACHER: You see the tree outside?
 TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky. 
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
 TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked
the boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside? TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside? TOMMY: Yessssss
(getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT" 11 CORINTHIANS 4:7

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Heavenly Voice Mail

Hey I thought you all might like this
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3  16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.

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Conversation between God & St. Francis:

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature, what in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What in the world happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of green.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod
worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing it and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and the warm weather probably makes the grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites very happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little ,they cut it -- sometimes two times a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight: They fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect
the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No way!! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing the leaves away they go out and buy  something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.
GOD: Enough!! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie about...
GOD: Never mind -- I think I just heard the whole story from Saint Francis!

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Noah's Arch 

It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until
all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had
to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch
any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional."
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years! Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
AMEN

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Got Two Bucks

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

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A Lesson On Being Mean

This is too funny !
A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded,
"Rome?" Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand
and foot. And the hotel- it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and the honeymoon suite."
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really ... What did he say?"
He said, "Where did you get the awful hairdo?"

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Divorce

All parents will love this! HYSTERICAL!
• You've got to admit, this one is funny... • Divorcing After 45 Years
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your  mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
" 'Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I  get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR MET' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own airfares."

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Puppy Heaven

Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"
The father explains, "We can't have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road. Maybe they'll do something for him."
"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
The father replies, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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It's like being a pumpkin

A lady recently being baptized was asked by a coworker what it was like to be a Christian.
She replied, "Its like being a pumpkin: God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off that you may have gotten from the other pumpkins. Then he cuts the top off and scoops out all the yucky stuff.
He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc. Then, He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see. Passed on to me from another pumpkin.

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Judgment

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5 are not. He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion,"
So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned she went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95%, are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not pleased.
So He decided to E-mail the 5' that were good because He wanted to encourage them. .... give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the E-mail said....

You didn't get one either

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Power Of The Spoken Word

The older priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."
The young priest nodded and the old one continued.
"And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so  supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed
us to the balcony."
"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"
"Well", said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But Father," protests the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know my son, but the flashing "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" neon sign really has to go"

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Heaven's Grocery Store

Read this story and follow the recommendation at the end...

As I was walking down life's highway
many years ago
I came up on a sign that read
Heavens Grocery Store.

When I got a little closer
the doors swung open wide
And when I came to myself
I was standing inside.

I saw a host of angels.
They were standing everywhere
One handed me a basket
and said "My Child shop with care."

Everything a human needed
was in that grocery store
And what you could not carry
you could come back for more.

First I got some Patience
Love was in that same row.
Further down was Understanding
You need that everywhere you go,

I got a box or two of Wisdom
and Faith a bag or two.
And Charity of course
I would need some of that too.

I couldn't miss the Holy Ghost
It was all over the place.
And then some Strength
He smiled and said
"Just take them everywhere you go."

Again I asked "Really now,
How much do I owe?"
"My child" he said, "God paid your bill
a long long time ago."

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Learn To Write In The Sand 

A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. In a specific point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one, who got slapped, was hurt, but without anything to say, he wrote in the sand: "TODAY, MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE". They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who got slapped and hurt started drowning, and the other friend saved him. When he recovered from the fright, he wrote on a stone: "TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE".
The friend who saved and slapped his best friend, asked him, "Why, after I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now you write on a stone?"
The other friend, smiling, replied: "When a friend hurts us, we should write it down in the sand, where the winds of forgiveness get in charge of erasing it away, and when something great happens, we should engrave it in the stone of the memory of the heart, where no wind can erase it" "Learn to write in the sand".

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Moses In The Desert

AWESOME
This is almost overwhelming when you think about it. You MUST read to the end: (smile)
Moses and the people were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them?
They had to be fed, and feeding 2 or 3 million people requires a lot of food. According to the Quartermaster General in the Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have had 1500 tons of food each day. Do you know that to bring that much food each day, two freight trains, each at least a mile long, would be required!
Besides you must remember, they were out in the desert, so they would have to have firewood to use in cooking the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains, each a mile long, just for one day.
And just think, they were forty years in transit.
And Oh yes! They would have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day and a freight train with tank cars, 1800 miles long, just to bring water! And then another thing!
They had to get across the Red Sea at night. Now, if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through. So there had to be a space in the Red Sea, 3 miles wide so that they could walk 5000 abreast to get over in one night.
But then, there is another problem ............... each time they camped at the end of the day, a campground two-thirds the size of the state of Rhode Island was required, or a total of 750 square miles long........ think of it! This much space for camping.
Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left Egypt? I think not! You see, Moses believed in God. God took care of these things for him. Now do you think God has any problem taking care of all your needs?
I asked the Lord to bless you As I prayed for you today. To guide you and protect you as you go along your way.......... His love is always with you, His promises are true, And when we give Him all our cares, You know He will see us through.
Our God is an Awesome God!!
So when the road you're traveling on seems difficult at best, just remember I'm praying and God will do the rest.

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A Living Bible

His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans, and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college.
He is brilliant. Kind of esoteric and very, very bright. He became a Christian while attending college.
Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. They want to develop a ministry to the students, but are not sure how to go about it. One day Bill decides to go there.
He walks in with no shoes, wearing jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so Bill starts down the aisle looking for a seat. The church is completely packed and he can't find a seat. By now, people are really looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything.
Bill gels closer and closer and closer to the pulpit, and when he  realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet. (Although perfectly acceptable behavior at a college fellowship, trust me, this had never happened in this church before. 
By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick. About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Bill.
Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, and a three-piece suit. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and, as he  starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves that you can't blame him for what he's going to do.
How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the floor?
It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy. The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man's cane. All eyes are focused on him. You can't even hear anyone
breathing.
The minister can't even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do. 
And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty, he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill and worships with him so he won't be alone.
Everyone chokes up with emotion. When the minister gains control, he says, "What I'm about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget.

"Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some people will ever read".

I asked the Lord to bless you as I prayed for you today. To guide you and protect you as you go along your way.... His love is always with you, His promises are true, And when we give Him all our cares, You know He will see us through.
Pass this to People you want God to Bless. I DID!

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28 Beautiful One-liners

l. Give God what's right-not what's left.
2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end-God's way leads to
an endless hope.
3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma-but
never let him be the period.
6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a
face-lift.
8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report
for duty.
9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
10. We don't change God's message-His message changes us.
11. The church is prayer-conditioned.
12. When God ordains, He sustains.
13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14. Plan ahead-It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
17. Exercise daily-walk with the Lord.
18. Never give the devil a ride-he will always want to drive.
19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps
coming back.
21. He who angers you controls you.
22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.
24. Be ye fishers of men-you catch them & He'll clean them.
25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
26. Read the Bible-It will scare the hell out of you.
27. Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His Retirement plan is out of this world.
28. I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.

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Smile When God Takes Your Picture

A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky.

Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"

The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture."
May God bless you today as you face the storms that come your way.

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A Walking Sermon

Reporters and city officials gathered at a Chicago railroad station one afternoon in 1953. The person they were meeting was the 1952 Nobel Peace Prize winner. A few minutes after the train came to a stop, a giant of a man - six feet four inches - with bushy hair and a large mustache stepped from the train. Cameras flashed. City officials approached him with hands outstretched. Various people began telling him how honored they were to meet him.  The man politely thanked them and then, looking over their heads, asked if he could be excused for a moment. He quickly walked through the crowd until he reached the side of an elderly black woman who was struggling with two large suitcases. He picked up the bags and with a smile, escorted the woman to a bus. After helping her aboard, he wished her a safe journey. As he returned to the greeting party he apologized, "Sorry to have kept you waiting."  The man was Dr. Albert Schweitzer, the famous missionary doctor who had spent his life helping the poor in Africa. In response to Schweitzer's action, one member of the reception committee said with great admiration to the reporter standing next to him, "That's the first time I ever saw a sermon walking."      --Author Unknown

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An Interesting Way To Look At Life...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a  day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the 2 cups of coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to  recognize that this jar represents your life."

"The golf balls are the important things: your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions, things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first, he continued, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your  children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set  your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad  you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,  there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

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Explaining the Other Side

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."
"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing... I know my Master is there and that is enough."

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Grave-Side Sermon

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were sitting to one side, eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that!

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A Talk In The Garden Of Eden

"I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm
just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain;
all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and
will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused,
but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he
will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in
childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too
smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"

"Well.....you can have him on one condition." "And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have
to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our
little secret..............You know, woman to woman."

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Don't Judge Others

There was this fellow who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought "Oh, boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read:

Dear God,
I am an 83-year-old widow living on a very small pension. 
Yesterday, someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it,
which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited 2 of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
 Can you please help me?

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96 which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt the warm glow of the kind thing they had done. Christmas came and went and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

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Life's Choices

My question to all of you is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled
children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech
that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After
extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question.

When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature
does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things
as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children
do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. I believe, that when a child like Shay comes
into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature
presents itself, and it comes, in the way other people treat that
child. Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked
past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.
Shay asked, Do you think they'll let me play?

Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone
like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his
son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of
belonging. Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field
and asked if Shay could play.

The boy looked around for guidance and, getting none, he took
matters into his own hands and said, We're losing by six runs and
the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and
we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning. In the bottom of the 

eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in
the outfield. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously
ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear
to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom 

of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now,
with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was
on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.


At this juncture, let Shay bat and give away their chance to win
the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was
all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat
properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved in a
few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able
to make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The
pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly
towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground
ball right back to the pitcher.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily
thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and
that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher took the ball and turned and threw the ball on
a high arc to right field, far beyond the reach of the first
baseman.

Everyone started yelling, Shay, run to first! Run to first!
Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered
down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, Run to second, run to second!
By the time Shay rounded first base, the right fielder had the
ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag,
but he understood the pitcher's intentions and intentionally threw
the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously
circled the bases toward home.

Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned
him in the direction of third base, and shouted, Run to third!
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming,
Shay, run home!

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero
who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.
That day, said the father softly with tears now rolling down his
face, the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love
and humanity into this world.

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God and the Geese 

There was once a man who didn't believe in God, and he didn't hesitate to let others know how he felt about religion and religious holidays. His wife, however, did believe, and she raised their children to also have faith in God and Jesus, despite his disparaging comments.
One snowy Eve, his wife was taking their children to service in the farm community in which they lived. 
They were to talk about Jesus' birth. She asked him to come, but he refused. 
"That story is nonsense!" he said. "Why would God lower Himself to come to Earth as a man? That's ridiculous!" 
So she and the children left, and he stayed home. 
A while later, the winds grew stronger and the snow turned into a blizzard. As the man looked out the window, all he saw was a blinding snowstorm. He sat down to relax before the fire for the evening. Then he heard a loud thump. 
Something had hit the window. Then another thump. He looked out, but couldn't see more than a few feet. 
When the snow let up a little, he ventured outside to see what could have been beating on his window. 
In the field near his house he saw a flock of wild geese. Apparently they had been flying south for the winter when they got caught in the snowstorm and couldn't go on. They were lost and stranded on his farm, with no food or shelter. They just flapped their wings and flew around the field in low circles, blindly and aimlessly. A couple of them had flown into his window, it seemed. 
The man felt sorry for the geese and wanted to help them. The barn would be a great place for them to stay, he thought. It's warm and safe; surely they could spend the night and wait out the storm. So he walked over to the barn and opened the doors wide, then watched and waited, hoping they would notice the open barn and go inside. But the geese just fluttered around aimlessly and didn't seem to notice the barn or realize what it could mean for them. 
The man tried to get their attention, but that just seemed to scare them, and they moved further away. He went into the house and came with some bread, broke it up, and made a bread crumb trail leading to the barn. They still didn't catch on. 
Now he was getting frustrated. He got behind them and tried to shoo them toward the barn, but they only got more scared and scattered in every direction except toward the barn. 
Nothing he did could get them to go into the barn where they would be warm and safe. 
"Why don't they follow me?!" he exclaimed. 
"Can't they see this is the only place where they can survive the storm?" 
He thought for a moment and realized that they just wouldn't follow a human.
"If only I were a goose, then I could save them," he said out loud. 
Then he had an idea. He went into barn, got one of his own geese, and carried it in his arms as he circled around behind the flock of wild geese. He then released it. His goose flew through the flock and straight into the barn -- and one-by-one, the other geese followed it to safety. 
He stood silently for a moment as the words he had spoken a few minutes earlier replayed in his mind: "If only I were a goose, then I could save them!" Then he thought about what he had said to his wife earlier. "Why would God want to be like us? That's ridiculous!" 
Suddenly it all made sense. That is what God had done. We were like the geese--blind, lost, perishing. God had His Son become like us so He could show us the way and save us. 
As the winds and blinding snow died down, his soul became quiet and pondered this wonderful thought. Suddenly he understood why Christ had come. 
Years of doubt and disbelief vanished with the passing storm. He fell to his knees in the snow, and prayed his first prayer: "Thank You, God, for coming in human form to get me out of the storm!"

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Creation Story

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated 
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and 
red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy 
lives. 
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream 
and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" 
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add 
some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. 

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure 
that Man found so fair.
 And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. 

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented 
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. 
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. 

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil 
in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and 
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 
more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. 

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food 
Cake," and said, "It is good."
 Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." 

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose 
those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man 
would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman 
laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. 

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming 
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the 
starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. 

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and 
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 
99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
 And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. 

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. 
Then Satan created HMOs.

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Honesty 

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. 
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" 
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. 
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. 
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. 
The seamstress replied, "No." 
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. 
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. 
Again, the seamstress replied, "No." 
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. 
The seamstress replied, "Yes." 
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. 
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. 
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" 
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" 
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. 
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. 
"Yes," cried the seamstress. 
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" 
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me 
all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson." 
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. 

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God is like...

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results: scroll down.

God is like...
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.

God is like...
a FORD
He's got a better idea.

God is like...
COKE
He's the real thing.

(This is great)

God is like...
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like...
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like...
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

God is like...
SEARS
He has everything.

God is like...
ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him.

God is like...
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.

God is like...
DELTA
He's ready when you are.

God is like...
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him

God is like...
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is like...
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

(that one is my favorite)

God is like...
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

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NEW CATHOLIC DICTIONARY 

(Time to brush up. Never know when or by whom you'll be tested!) 

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. 

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass. 

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to 
lip-sync. 

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. 

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
that of the congregation's range. 

INCENSE: Holy Smoke! 

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges
with
good basketball teams. 

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story. 

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. 

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava 

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. 

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by
an HMO. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been
rough. 

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. 

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting
of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. 

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by 
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. 

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more
quietly, since most of the people have already left. 


RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually
know when to sit, kneel, and stand. 

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David 
Letterman. 

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating
capacity of a pew. 

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PRAYER

A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men
on it were able to swim to a small, desert like island. The two survivors,
not knowing what else to do, agree that they had no other recourse but to
pray to God.

However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide
the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island.

The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man
saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat
its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren.

After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife.
The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor was a woman
who swam to his side of the land. On the other side of the island, there
was nothing.

Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, more food. The next day,
like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still
had nothing.

Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could
leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of
the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave
the second man on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to
receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered.

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven
booming, "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?"

"My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them,"
the first man answered. "His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not
deserve anything."

"You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer, which
I answered. If not for that, you would not have received any of my
blessings."

"Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "what did he pray for that I
should owe him anything?"

"He prayed that all your prayers be answered."

For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers alone,
but those of another praying for us.

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DID YOU KNOW? 

As you walk up the steps to the building which houses the U.S. Supreme Court you can see near the top of the building a row of the world's law makers and each one is facing one in the middle who is facing forward with a full frontal view . it is Moses and he is holding the Ten Commandments! 

DID YOU KNOW? 

As you enter the Supreme Court courtroom, the two huge oak doors have the Ten Commandments engraved on each lower portion of each door. 

DID YOU KNOW? 

As you sit inside the courtroom, you can see the wall, 
right above where the Supreme Court judges sit, 
a display of the Ten Commandments! 

DID YOU KNOW? 

There are Bible verses etched in stone all over the Federal Buildings and Monuments in Washington, D.C. 

DID YOU KNOW? 

James Madison, the fourth president, known as "The Father of Our Constitution" made the following statement: "We have staked the whole of all our political institutions upon the capacity of mankind for self-government, upon the capacity of each and all of us to govern ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain ourselves according to the Ten Commandments of God." 

DID YOU KNOW? 

Every session of Congress begins with a prayer by a paid preacher, whose salary has been paid by the taxpayer since 1777. 

DID YOU KNOW? 

Fifty-two of the 55 founders of the Constitution were members of the established religions in the colonies. 

DID YOU KNOW? 

Thomas Jefferson worried that the "Courts" would overstep their authority and instead of interpreting the law would begin making law ... AN OLIGARCHY.... 
"the rule of few over many." 

How, then, have we gotten to the point that everything we have done for 220 years in this country is now suddenly "wrong and unconstitutional"? 

Chamber, US House of Representatives 

It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a mess about having the 10 commandments on display or "In God We Trust" on our money and having God in the Pledge of Allegiance. 

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Don't Work Like The Devil

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the 
computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of 
hearing all the bickering. 

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set 
up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge 
who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets! 

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with Heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed 
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went
off. 
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the 
underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their 
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE!

"I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past 
two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed.

"That's not fair! He cheated!

How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES.....

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SMILES FROM THE BIBLE

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew
out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's
Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because 
the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?

A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groannn...)

KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!!

PS... Did you know ! it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?

Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "Hebrews"

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The Seed 

An emperor in the Far East was growing old and knew it was time to choose
his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or his children, he
decided to do something different. He called young people in the kingdom
together one day. 

He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next emperor. I
have decided to choose one of you."

The children were shocked, but the emperor continued. "I am going to give
each one of you a seed today - one very special seed. I want you to plant
the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you
have grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring,
and the one I choose will be the next emperor."

One boy, named Ling, was there that day and he, like the others, received a
seed. He went home and excitedly, told his mother the story. She helped him
get a pot and planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it,
carefully. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown.

After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about their
seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Ling kept checking his
seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by.
Still nothing. By now, others were talking about their plants, but Ling
didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure.

Six months went by--still nothing in Ling's pot. He just knew he had killed
his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Ling
didn't say anything to his friends, however. He just kept waiting for his
seed to grow. 

A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their
plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he wasn't
going to take an empty pot. But his mother asked him to be honest about what
happened. 

Ling felt sick at his stomach, but he knew his mother was right. He took
his empty pot to the palace. When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the
variety of plants grown by the other youths. They were beautiful--in all
shapes and sizes. Ling put his empty pot on the floor and many of the other
children laughed at him. A few felt sorry for him and just said, "Hey, nice
try." 

When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young
people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees,
and flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today one of you will be
appointed the next emperor!"

All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room with his
empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling was
terrified. He thought, "The emperor knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have
me killed!" 

When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My name is Ling,"
he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun of him. The emperor
asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and then announced to the
crowd, "Behold your new emperor! His name is Ling!" Ling couldn't believe
it. Ling couldn't even grow his seed. How could he be the new emperor?

Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone here a seed. I
told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me
today. But I gave you all boiled seeds that would not grow. All of you,
except Ling, have brought me trees and plants and flowers.

When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed
for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and honesty
to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be
the new emperor!" 

If you plant honesty, you will reap trust.
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends.
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness.
If you plant perseverance, you will reap victory.
If you plant consideration, you will reap harmony.
If you plant hard work, you will reap success.
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation.
If you plant openness, you will reap intimacy.
If you plant patience, you will reap improvements.
If you plant faith, you will reap miracles.

So be careful what you plant, now; it will determine what you will reap
tomorrow. The seeds you now scatter will make life worse or better for you
or for the ones who will come after you. Someday you will enjoy the fruits
or you will pay for the choices you make.

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"The 7-Ups"

1.    WAKE UP - Decide to have a good day. "Today
is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice
& be glad in it" Psalms 118:24

2.    DRESS UP - The best way to dress up is to
put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way
to improve your looks. "The Lord does not
look at the things man looks at. Man looks at
outward appearance but the Lord looks at the
heart" I Sam 16:7

3.    SHUT UP - Say nice things & learn to
listen.  God gave us 2 ears and
1 mouth so He must have meant for us to do
twice as much listening as talking. "He who
guards his lips guards his soul" Proverbs
13:3 "Gossip betrays confidence avoid men who
talk too much" Proverbs 20:19 "Listen to
advice, accept instruction and in the end,
you will be wise" Proverbs 19:20

4.    STAND UP - For what you believe in. Stand
for something or you will fall for anything.
"Let us not be weary in doing good; for at
the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we
do not give up. Therefore, as we have
opportunity, let us do good..." Galatians 6:9-10

5.    LOOK UP - To the Lord. "I can do everything
through Him who gives me strength"
Philippians 4:13

6.    REACH UP - For something higher. As Jiminy
Cricket sings "High Hopes" Always try to
better yourself. Have FAITH. "Now faith is
being sure of what we hope for and certain of
what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

7.    LIFT UP - Your Prayers. "Do not worry about
anything; instead PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING"
Philippians 4:6
       -- Author Unknown

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Did God Create Evil?